The Mummy (2017)

The Mummy (2017): written by Everybody; directed by Action Robot Director 3000; starring Tom Cruise (Lieutenant Jerkstore), Russell Crowe (Actually Acting), Annabelle Wallis (Too Young Love Interest/ Archaeologist), Sofia Boutella (The Enchantress from Suicide Squad), and Jake Johnson (Cheaplaffs Johnson): Such a colossal turd of a movie that it makes the unfortunate The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor shine in one's memory like Lawrence of Arabia. 

Solid screenwriters including Christopher McQuarrie (The Usual Suspects!), David Koepp (Jurassic Park!), and Jenny Lumet (Rachel Getting Married! Wait, what?) are buried alive by this misguided attempt to turn Universal's monster movies into a Marvel-like shared cinematic universe. That would be Dark Universe, the absurd shared cinematic universe that died about a month after The Mummy died in North American theatres, thus sparing us superhero movies featuring the Invisible Man, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Abbott and Costello. 

Did you know that Dracula Untold was the previous attempt to create a shared-universe Universal monster-hero franchise? And before that Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing: will Universal ever learn?

About the only good thing in the movie is Russell Crowe, approaching plumminess as monster-fighter Henry Jekyll (yes, that Jekyll, updated to the modern day). Crowe would really have killed it in those old Hammer Horror movies with Christopher Lee and/or Peter Cushing. I'm not kidding. He manages humour and a slight bit of gravitas despite being knee-capped by this ridiculous script, poor acting, and a frenetically desperate Tom Cruise as a bewilderingly unlikable lead character. Not recommended.